So it goes, and so it is

We put people in the roles we think they should play. Like unlike puzzle pieces rammed into the wrong spots. Why? I can not tell you. Maybe as a matter of convenience; right place right time. Dove tailing interests? Clicking over coffee; liking the same band; having the same opinions on public figures. Maybe it’s those looks someone gives us that we think mean something. You know those looks. In parking lots at 3 am. Smiling at your sneakers, biting your lips, and looking up at someone you think is going to fit the role just perfectly. You overlook all the flaws and grasp onto all of their potential. You build them up in your mind. You build them up in their own mind. You make them believe with all your encouraging that they can do anything. You make them believe they’re worthy of your affection. You give them wings then get so sad when they choose to fly away. Always onto bigger and better. Or shall we say smaller and blonder. For a long time I lived my life with my whole heart. Everything I did and said I did out of love. I was never the one to play games or be reckless with someone else’s heart. I cared so much about the people in my life. I lived to make them happy. Sometimes I feel pathetic about the whole thing, but honestly I was happier with myself then. After a while of trying to so hard to prove to someone that they should give in and love you back, it makes you tired. It makes you cold. And it makes you feel hopeless. So I started trying to take other people’s advice. I listened to my friends’ endless suggestions about how to catch em and keep em. Like fishing. The bait and hook. It was all really nauseating. The games people play with each other to not get hurt. To always have the upper hand, and to never let the other one think you care for them more than they might care for you. But in all reality you can only play perfect for so long before the pieces of yourself start showing. And if you “catch” someone with such tricks you never really had them. Somewhere along the way I’ve gotten colder. And it sort of scares me. Not caring anymore is weird. Last week I got really upset, and with good reason. I cried my eyes out and didn’t sleep. But then it all went away. By then end of the next day I realized I just didn’t care enough to be upset. I wasn’t mad or anything. I felt absolutely nothing. I just laughed with a friend about it. This is so not like me. Some people are proud of me for handling things so well. For being so mature. For being so rational and logical. All things I rarely am. It has me thinking that something’s wrong. That all the years of bullshit, and allowing myself to be fucked with by any man who cared to mess with me have finally taken their toll. Maybe the universe has succeeded, at least for the time being, at toughening me up. I don’t know at this time what I’d prefer, being the girl who feels everything so strongly, or being the girl who feels nothing at all. I guess I don’t know because I don’t care to know. I just don’t care. I was talking with a friend about how I feel like people are never ready for the same things at the same time. We're all a bunch of lines that cross each other's paths at the wrong times and places. We veer in and out of each other’s paths so inconveniently. When we want someone they don’t want us. And when they finally want us we don’t want them anymore. Peculiar perpendicularity. It’s all part of growing up I suppose. I just often wonder if I’m growing differently than everyone around me. Maybe for the better. 

The Female Flaw... A Submission Condition

Sometimes I think of women as such sad creatures. Not that we don’t have the ability to be successful and independent, it just seems anytime a woman gets the opportunity to be with a man whether he is worthy of her or not, she will throw away everything she is for him. I am not immune to this female flaw. Better yet we as women will allow ourselves to be jerked around or lead of by a man for months before we inevitable ask the age old deal breaking question, “what are we?”  If you even need to destroy a relationship whether it seemed healthy or not just go ahead and corner a man and ask him questions on the status of your courtship. More times than not the man will react with a slew of textbook lines designed to confuse you and protect himself.  Once the conversation is over you will be left with you head spinning and your eyes leaking.  It’s only once you’ve calmed down and really analyzed everything he “actually” said will you know you’ve been duped. So here I’ve compiled a faux conversation between a man and a woman in which the man uses his many lines and tricks to try and avoid intimacy and honesty.

WHAT SHE SAYS

So I don’t want to seem impatient and I’m kind of afraid of the answer but I just would really like to know where we stand. Know firstly that even though I’ve only known you for a few months I do really like you. And it’s ok if you don’t feel the same way, but I need to know if you don’t because I don’t want to invest my time in liking you if it’s not returned.  I’m not trying to pin you down or ask for any commitments at all. Really I’m not looking to be your girlfriend, I just want to know if you feel anything for me beyond friendship.  I like being around you and I’ve been having a lot of fun lately.  I don’t know where this is going so hopefully with your help we can figure things out.

WHAT SHE MEANS

Oh Jesus Christ I don’t want to scare you away. Men are so easy to scare away. I’m not trying to cage you in because I know you’ll freak out and run away. You bastards are so skittish. It’s not like I’ve picked out our children’s names yet…I just mentioned that I thought Aden was a lovely name for a boy if I was to ever have one. I just like you and I want to be able to say it. I really hope you like me back, but if not it’s ok, I’ll be fine. I better be fine. Shit I’m going to start balling if you don’t like me back.  I just need to get over this if it’s not going anywhere. I don’t need to be your girlfriend, I just really like the attention and making out with you. Oh God am I going to hell just for thinking this? I’m not a slut am I? God don’t let my big mouth screw this up.

WHAT HE SAYS

Aww look at how nervous you are, it’s so cute.  I guess I kind of already knew you liked me, you’re not really that hard to read. It’s sweet though not trying to decode all those hidden signals and what not. It’s comforting to know you’re such a honest safe kind of gal.  Sorry to say I don’t really know how I feel right now. I think you’re a really great girl. You’re cute and fun to be around but I just don’t want to be dating anyone right now.  You see I’m still really jaded from my last relationship and I’m too screwed up to date a nice girl like you. Really I think we’re just really different people and want completely different things out of life.  I didn’t do anything to lead you on though. I treat you no differently than I treat any of my other friends. I’m a little upset you would even suggest such a thing.  It’s good that you had the courage to open up to me about this though. I’m really proud of you. 

WHAT HE MEANS

Oh god, this again. I mean I knew you liked me. I kind of made you like me. I mean I like the attention, who wouldn’t. You’re like so pathetically into me. I must be a pretty awesome guy if it’s this easy to make a girl like you. I just don’t have the balls to tell you I changed my mind and don’t like you anymore.  I just want to kind of fuck around. I’m young and want to pursue multiple girls at once.  You’re really reliable and safe so if I wanted a girlfriend to take care of me I‘d definitely pick you. I’m also still in love with my ex. Not that that stopped me from trying to get with you. You’re just kind of naive, and young, and not a slut so I don’t want to work that hard to get you to sleep with me.  I can tell this is going to get messy and you’re going to get emotional. Man I’m hungry. I wonder how long you’re going to cry about this for. When does Boston Market close? I want a sammich. MMMM sammich.  

WHAT SHE SAYS

Oh wow ok. Well fist of all I said I wasn’t trying to date you.  But I am kind of upset and feel sort of used. I’m really confused because your actions and your words have really contradicted themselves. You came over to my house on multiple occasion to watch movies and stayed the night. You laid in my bed with me. You flirted with me, tickled me, cuddled with me, and kissed me. I thought that meant you liked me. You talked to me all the time, every day for weeks actually. It really seemed like you liked me. Do you kiss all your friends?

WHAT SHE MEANS

What the fuck man? I did not say that I wanted to date you. I don’t even like you that much. All you do is talk about yourself. You initiated things with me. You came over and got in bed with me. You kissed me. You tried me on like a pair of jeans over and over again to see how I looked on you. You can’t return jeans you’ve worn multiple times after 90 days. You smug mother fucker you think I’m sad and in love with you. I’m just confused as to why you decided to mess with me if you knew I liked you, but you didn’t like me back. You’re not even listening are you? Can you give me a straight answer for anything? Shit now I’m crying. I hate this shit. This keeps happening to me.

WHAT HE SAYS

I’m sorry you’re so upset that I won’t date you. Please don’t cry, I care about you too much to watch you cry. It’s ok that you just got your wires crossed. You’re a really nice girl. But we were just friends. And honestly, I have kissed a lot of my friends.  I didn’t think It was that big of a deal.  I didn’t think you’d take all this so seriously. To me a kiss is just a kiss. And I was really out of it that night. 

WHAT HE MEANS

Wow you really want to be my girlfriend. Stop getting so upset though, it’s freaking me out.  Seriously stop crying. I was drunk and wanted to fool around. I thought it was a good idea at the time. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. Hey don’t go telling people about the cuddling. Can we wrap this up now? It’s sammich time. 

WHAT SHE SAYS

You were really out of it? Meaning you were drunk and are now using alcohol as an excuse? If you were so drunk why did it take you two hours of ticking and hair touching to make a real move? You seemed kind of too sweet and shy to be out of it. It hurts my feelings that I didn’t mean anything to you. I’m really not the type of girl to cuddle and be cutesy with someone. And I’m not the type of girl who kisses someone that I don’t like.

WHAT SHE MEANS

Look at you back peddling. What a pussy.  I can’t believe I cuddled with you. I’m nauseous 

WHAT HE SAYS

I’m not using alcohol as an excuse. I was just really tired that night. I’m pretty pissed you think I used alcohol as an excuse. This isn’t going anywhere. 

WHAT HE MEANT

Psycho bitch. 

WHAT SHE SAYS

You kissed me because you were tired? Really? Whatever, fine. I’ll leave you alone. This was nothing and is nothing. I made it all up. I’m just sad things didn’t work out. I’m a really great person and I think you’re really going to regret missing out on me.

WHAT SHE MEANT

Coward.

WHAT HE SAYS

I know you’re a great person. You’re too good for me. You’re going to find a guy who really deserves you one day, I know it. Just put your feelers out. It’s good that you opened up and put yourself out there. You’re really going to learn and grow from all this. I’m just in a really weird place right now. I’m afraid of the future. I’m just trying to figure out what I want from life.  I hope we can still be friends. I remember when I was your age I…..

WHAT HE MEANS

Bitch I want a sammich soooooooooooooo bad. Shut up. Stop crying. 

WHAT SHE SAYS

Um I don’t really think you’re advice makes sense to me right now. It just kind of sounds like pity. I just wanted to understand what we were. And now I know we’re nothing. So I’m going to go wash my hair or something. K?

WHAT SHE MEANS

Do you think I’m buying any of this shit? God this is pathetic. Why did I even cry? Am I getting my period? I’m going to get so drunk tomorrow. Whatever. My head is spinning from this.

WHAT HE SAYS

I’ve just been so hurt so many times. I can’t handle it again. And I don’t want to hurt you. We’re going to be ok right? You’re not mad at me are you?

WHAT HE MEANS

The sound of my voice is so soothing. Why does she look so pissed. I thought she likes listening to me? She should go home and listen to some Jack Johnson. It’ll calm her right down. I wonder if we’re going to make out again? Is she buying this? 

WHAT SHE SAYS

Whatever. Goodnight.

WHAT SHE MEANS

What the hell was that?

WHAT HE SAYS

It’s just that my ex and I were so perfect for each other and now I’m so confused about everything. My whole world is all crumbly without her. Oh um Goodnight.

WHAT HE MEANS

My ex loved sammiches and Jack Johnson.  

What have we learned from this? Well basically nothing. Men are evil and self absorbed. They’re always hungry and don’t listen. We didn’t have to get our hearts trampled on to learn this. And yet we allow ourselves to make the same mistakes over and over again with the same kinds of guys. It’s okay ladies, you’re not alone. Hopefully one day we’ll be able to avoid such horrific misadventures in (not)dating. If I can give you or myself any advice I’d say be weary of all men. Don’t trust them and don’t expect them to be honest with you. Tricky bastards. 

A Lack Of Judgement, But A Story For The Ages

Is there such a thing as a fresh start, or do old habits follow us no matter our location? So here I was in Orlando and six months into my “fresh start” I move again. I was willing to live anywhere at this point where my former roommates would not find me. But I failed at this social experiment as well. 

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH PEOPLE FROM CRAIGSLIST!

I lived in the ghetto near a park where a local woman was rapped and murdered while jogging.

A man dressed like a pimp often tried speaking to me whenever he saw me get out of my car. He said I was a lady, a real 100% lady and he could tell it just by looking at me. Said I spoke well and walked polite. And here I was thinking I spoke curtly and walked fast.

A woman dressed like a prostitute who called herself Sunshine once came to the door asking for my roommate. She kept reapplying bonnie-bell lip gloss and shifting her body weight from one hip to another. She’d flip her bleached orange hair around and spoke really seductively about how she had a business arrangement with my roommate. I never answered the door after that encounter. 

I had two roommates

The female roommate had conversations with her demonic dogs at three in the morning in a baby voice while blasting rap music. I once walked out into the living room to find her sweeping without any pants on. She drunk crashed her car into the garage. She tried to instruct me on a weekly basis the proper way to crush boxes down when I put them in the trash can. (I shortly there after got my own trash can and put garbage in it any way I damn well pleased). She wore a lot of Ed Hardy trucker hats and Spanish girl spandex fashions. She would leave pasta skillet meals rotting on the stove for weeks. She made a chore chart assigning me to clean up after her and the dogs; dogs that terrorized my existence, barked all night and day, and ruined several very cute outfits. 

The male roommate had loud porn style sounding sex with his girl of the week for hours at a time (when he knew I was home). His parole officer came to the house on a weekly basis. Why he was on parole in the first place no one would say.

I was going to write more about this but honestly, enough said. 

Broken down in bars and bathrooms, All I did was what I had to

So I was free. But I was lost in my new freedom. The telling of this story became so much more serious that I intended. With a name like “Funny Girl” I wasn’t expecting such dark subject madder.  I think I had to flush out all the bad before I got to the good. An emotional detox would await me in Orlando.  The first few months I spent here were more than rocky, they were an avalanche of shit upon my life.  I couldn’t find my footing at work, and my roommate situation very quickly became chaotic. I became wrapped up in the self destruction of others.  They drank, I drank. They smoked, I smoked. They ate, I ate.  Party sheep.  I didn’t have a reason to do the things I was doing, but I didn’t have a reason not too. I wanted to throw away all the things I was before. I didn’t want to be sweet or innocent, I wanted to be taken seriously. I know, I know….I went about it the wrong way.  Alas, my rebellion was short lived. I decided that it was over, and that I was going to be myself. A healthier happier version of myself. I didn’t want to be around any of the people or the things that had pulled me down before.  A few people I was happy to see go, and one person I didn’t mean to lose in the process.  My living situation became unbearable. Never before have I ever felt more like Cinderella. I had four evil steps sisters who made it their main mission in life to terrorize me. They threw parties all the time so I hardly got any sleep.  They screamed in my face and threatened me. They broke my things and tried to break my spirits.  They couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to be a part of the mess anymore.  They thought my choice to not drink and party with them meant I thought I was better than them. I know I’m no better or worse than anyone. I have all the human flaws, but I wanted to do whatever I could to improve my life. If that meant being a pariah in my own home then so be it.  I moved to Orlando to make a change for the better. It was time to grow up and figure out what I wanted from life. 

There are fragments of a girl I met in my mirror. 

I glued them to paper and pressed them in a book,

And whenever I get nervous I just go and take a look.

The good is there, it’s real, it’s real!

If she could only take the chance to feel

And be. She only wants to be.

Smiles you don’t want to hide on Saturdays wrapped in pearls. 

She is real, she is real!

Holding on to hope for paper girls. 

I know I am but summer to your heart

So Nov 1st I packed the last of my things up in my car. I went to the gas station. Then I got on the highway to drive away and realized I never pumped the gas I paid for. I was on empty so I had to go back. And then on the way out I couldn’t resist going to my old work and seeing if PC was there. I walked in with so much on my mind. A thousands things I wouldn’t dare say. Because this time I had the secret. I didn’t tell him I was moving. And I wasn’t planning on it. I waltzed up there like it was any other day. There were two new girls working that I had only met once and written off immediately. He was as he always was. Charming. Sarcastic. And too clouded to get the signals I was throwing. He asked when I worked next. I told him I didn’t know. And then I looked at him very intensely. I gave him that long goodbye look. Secretly hoping he’d notice something was different. Every look I ever gave, every thing I ever tried to say was always wasted on him. It’s always the same isn’t it? Someone takes an interest in me so I throw my soul at them thinking maybe this is it. Victims of circumstance. He was there at the right time in my life. I needed someone to dote on and he liked being idolized. I learned a lot. I got what I needed in the end I think. I’m still left with a bitter taste in my mouth by the whole charade that was that summer but it’s nothing chocolate couldn’t cover up. When you’re in the thick of it you don’t realize you’re having a life changing moment. You just go with it. You get lead around by your heart and make decisions with you stomach. And you never see that you’re growing. That it’s all worth it. I said Goodbye. Well goodbye. I lingered for a second. I shook my head and I walked away. I got back in my car and onto the highway once more. I made sure to pick only the most appropriate songs to play very loudly on my ipod. Those songs that once you add air and open road to just really come alive. I gripped the wheel very tightly and then I let go. I started to breath again as I drove towards the next chapter of my life.



Brandi Carlile's
Wasted

If you had eyes like golden crowns and diamonds in your fingertips you'd waste it
If shining wisdom passed your lips and traveled to the ears of god you'd waste it
And so I hate that your overrated most revered and celebrated
cause you're wasted
Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go
Every time you close a door and nothing opens in its place you've wasted
And when you speak the words you know to those who know the words themselves you're wasted,
You're such a classic waste of cool, so afraid to break the rules in all the wrong places
Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go

Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight

So she said that’s it. The time for change is now. She's going to be her own best friend. There’s no white knight coming to save her. "I'm going to save myself because I'm the only person who truly loves me." So she started planning. She only told the people that had to know that she would be escaping the sand castle. She saved up her money. She found a place. And then she moved away. She’d show everyone including herself that she was not made of porcelain. She was going to stand taller, shine brighter, laugh harder, and most importantly care much more selectively than ever before.


Make your tears few, your heart hidden, and never forget to wear perfume.
You’ll get it right in time kid.
All you need is time kid.

You Were My Silver Lining but Now I’m Gold.

He paced the floor around the bed. I folded clothes because I needed to keep moving. He kept grabbing at words but hadn’t found enough to string into anything that made sense yet. So I started.
“What could you have to say to me right now? What is there to say. Because sorry doesn’t mean anything. I spend all my time with you. I was there for you every second you needed me. I forgot who I was to help you find yourself. I dealt with all your shit with a smile. I cried more than I ever had in my life because of your actions. Your selfishness. You fuck up, you say you’re sorry, I think it’s going to change and it never does. So what could you have to say to me? Tell me something that I don’t know.”
He kept pacing. And I sat down. He’s started punching the closet doors and then I saw that he was crying. The most emotionless person I will ever know was crying. This is when I got scared. Because I knew that this ran deeper than one drunken night. He finally starts to tell me what’s wrong
But this is the part of the story where the details won’t be word for word. Because those are mine. No one else will ever know what it was like to look at that crying mess of a man but me. He told me that he had been hooking up with M.E.S.S. for a while. Behind my back. That while I was losing my mind trying to figure out why he wasn’t speaking to me for two months he was feeling guilty. That they talked every night on the phone, went to parties together, and talked about dating each other. She apparently didn’t want me to ever know because she had a lot to lose. And he didn’t know how to tell me because he knew how upset I’d be. He said he was sorry. He said it a thousand times. I cried. He cried. And I couldn’t grasp any of what he was saying. He said he was selfish and so was she. We talked for a while about it. I said I wanted to know everything. Maybe he told me everything but there’s no way of really knowing. He grabbed me and he held me and he said he was leaving now. It was morning. None of us got any sleep. He drove away. M.E.S.S knew what was going on in the room. She knew he had told me. She threatened to kill herself and I dared her to do it. I started cleaning because I didn’t know what else to do. Because if I stopped I was going to explode. I went out back to clean the grill and when I came back inside stepped on something wet. I looked down to see that I had stepped on a condom. Just my luck right? I left the house with a few girls to get breakfast and try to sort out what had happened that night. While I was gone M.E.S.S. left without a car, she just started walking hoping eventually someone would answer her calls and pick her up. I didn’t speak to her again for months. I wouldn’t answer when she called or reply to her emails. At first she tried to apologize a lot. But then she got frustrated with my silence and got angry. Said she didn’t do anything wrong. That I was so holier than thou. Maybe she was in a sense right. He was never really mine. But he belonged to me more than her. I never use to think than anyone was jealous of me. Until I realized that she had always been. I was everything she’d never be. I couldn’t be happier about that.
My parents were still out of town for a few days. So I was alone. I guess I wasn’t completely alone. I had my thoughts. I had a millions thoughts. I had plenty of people who wanted to keep me company but I didn’t want it. I just wanted to wallow. I wanted to be selfish and dramatic. For twenty years everyone I met in life looked at me like I was a porcelain doll. Like I was this fragile sweet childhood relic. All I ever wanted from anybody was company and truths. No one has ever been able to be as honest with me as I with them. They would always say they didn’t want to hurt me. That the truth would upset me. But look at what the lies made me. I was always the best friend. The girl that everybody liked. I’d take in every person with a wounded bird demeanor and dote and nurture until they were strong enough to think they didn’t need or want me anymore. I tried to be everything to everyone. And I didn’t end up with anything in the end. You can’t change people. So I stopped trying. I decided it was time to change myself. To love myself. To live for myself. And that nobody was going to make me feel like that again.