Broken down in bars and bathrooms, All I did was what I had to

So I was free. But I was lost in my new freedom. The telling of this story became so much more serious that I intended. With a name like “Funny Girl” I wasn’t expecting such dark subject madder.  I think I had to flush out all the bad before I got to the good. An emotional detox would await me in Orlando.  The first few months I spent here were more than rocky, they were an avalanche of shit upon my life.  I couldn’t find my footing at work, and my roommate situation very quickly became chaotic. I became wrapped up in the self destruction of others.  They drank, I drank. They smoked, I smoked. They ate, I ate.  Party sheep.  I didn’t have a reason to do the things I was doing, but I didn’t have a reason not too. I wanted to throw away all the things I was before. I didn’t want to be sweet or innocent, I wanted to be taken seriously. I know, I know….I went about it the wrong way.  Alas, my rebellion was short lived. I decided that it was over, and that I was going to be myself. A healthier happier version of myself. I didn’t want to be around any of the people or the things that had pulled me down before.  A few people I was happy to see go, and one person I didn’t mean to lose in the process.  My living situation became unbearable. Never before have I ever felt more like Cinderella. I had four evil steps sisters who made it their main mission in life to terrorize me. They threw parties all the time so I hardly got any sleep.  They screamed in my face and threatened me. They broke my things and tried to break my spirits.  They couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to be a part of the mess anymore.  They thought my choice to not drink and party with them meant I thought I was better than them. I know I’m no better or worse than anyone. I have all the human flaws, but I wanted to do whatever I could to improve my life. If that meant being a pariah in my own home then so be it.  I moved to Orlando to make a change for the better. It was time to grow up and figure out what I wanted from life. 

There are fragments of a girl I met in my mirror. 

I glued them to paper and pressed them in a book,

And whenever I get nervous I just go and take a look.

The good is there, it’s real, it’s real!

If she could only take the chance to feel

And be. She only wants to be.

Smiles you don’t want to hide on Saturdays wrapped in pearls. 

She is real, she is real!

Holding on to hope for paper girls.