I know I am but summer to your heart

So Nov 1st I packed the last of my things up in my car. I went to the gas station. Then I got on the highway to drive away and realized I never pumped the gas I paid for. I was on empty so I had to go back. And then on the way out I couldn’t resist going to my old work and seeing if PC was there. I walked in with so much on my mind. A thousands things I wouldn’t dare say. Because this time I had the secret. I didn’t tell him I was moving. And I wasn’t planning on it. I waltzed up there like it was any other day. There were two new girls working that I had only met once and written off immediately. He was as he always was. Charming. Sarcastic. And too clouded to get the signals I was throwing. He asked when I worked next. I told him I didn’t know. And then I looked at him very intensely. I gave him that long goodbye look. Secretly hoping he’d notice something was different. Every look I ever gave, every thing I ever tried to say was always wasted on him. It’s always the same isn’t it? Someone takes an interest in me so I throw my soul at them thinking maybe this is it. Victims of circumstance. He was there at the right time in my life. I needed someone to dote on and he liked being idolized. I learned a lot. I got what I needed in the end I think. I’m still left with a bitter taste in my mouth by the whole charade that was that summer but it’s nothing chocolate couldn’t cover up. When you’re in the thick of it you don’t realize you’re having a life changing moment. You just go with it. You get lead around by your heart and make decisions with you stomach. And you never see that you’re growing. That it’s all worth it. I said Goodbye. Well goodbye. I lingered for a second. I shook my head and I walked away. I got back in my car and onto the highway once more. I made sure to pick only the most appropriate songs to play very loudly on my ipod. Those songs that once you add air and open road to just really come alive. I gripped the wheel very tightly and then I let go. I started to breath again as I drove towards the next chapter of my life.



Brandi Carlile's
Wasted

If you had eyes like golden crowns and diamonds in your fingertips you'd waste it
If shining wisdom passed your lips and traveled to the ears of god you'd waste it
And so I hate that your overrated most revered and celebrated
cause you're wasted
Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go
Every time you close a door and nothing opens in its place you've wasted
And when you speak the words you know to those who know the words themselves you're wasted,
You're such a classic waste of cool, so afraid to break the rules in all the wrong places
Then again it's good to get a call
Now and then just to say hello
Have I said I hate to see you go...hate to see you go

Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight

So she said that’s it. The time for change is now. She's going to be her own best friend. There’s no white knight coming to save her. "I'm going to save myself because I'm the only person who truly loves me." So she started planning. She only told the people that had to know that she would be escaping the sand castle. She saved up her money. She found a place. And then she moved away. She’d show everyone including herself that she was not made of porcelain. She was going to stand taller, shine brighter, laugh harder, and most importantly care much more selectively than ever before.


Make your tears few, your heart hidden, and never forget to wear perfume.
You’ll get it right in time kid.
All you need is time kid.

You Were My Silver Lining but Now I’m Gold.

He paced the floor around the bed. I folded clothes because I needed to keep moving. He kept grabbing at words but hadn’t found enough to string into anything that made sense yet. So I started.
“What could you have to say to me right now? What is there to say. Because sorry doesn’t mean anything. I spend all my time with you. I was there for you every second you needed me. I forgot who I was to help you find yourself. I dealt with all your shit with a smile. I cried more than I ever had in my life because of your actions. Your selfishness. You fuck up, you say you’re sorry, I think it’s going to change and it never does. So what could you have to say to me? Tell me something that I don’t know.”
He kept pacing. And I sat down. He’s started punching the closet doors and then I saw that he was crying. The most emotionless person I will ever know was crying. This is when I got scared. Because I knew that this ran deeper than one drunken night. He finally starts to tell me what’s wrong
But this is the part of the story where the details won’t be word for word. Because those are mine. No one else will ever know what it was like to look at that crying mess of a man but me. He told me that he had been hooking up with M.E.S.S. for a while. Behind my back. That while I was losing my mind trying to figure out why he wasn’t speaking to me for two months he was feeling guilty. That they talked every night on the phone, went to parties together, and talked about dating each other. She apparently didn’t want me to ever know because she had a lot to lose. And he didn’t know how to tell me because he knew how upset I’d be. He said he was sorry. He said it a thousand times. I cried. He cried. And I couldn’t grasp any of what he was saying. He said he was selfish and so was she. We talked for a while about it. I said I wanted to know everything. Maybe he told me everything but there’s no way of really knowing. He grabbed me and he held me and he said he was leaving now. It was morning. None of us got any sleep. He drove away. M.E.S.S knew what was going on in the room. She knew he had told me. She threatened to kill herself and I dared her to do it. I started cleaning because I didn’t know what else to do. Because if I stopped I was going to explode. I went out back to clean the grill and when I came back inside stepped on something wet. I looked down to see that I had stepped on a condom. Just my luck right? I left the house with a few girls to get breakfast and try to sort out what had happened that night. While I was gone M.E.S.S. left without a car, she just started walking hoping eventually someone would answer her calls and pick her up. I didn’t speak to her again for months. I wouldn’t answer when she called or reply to her emails. At first she tried to apologize a lot. But then she got frustrated with my silence and got angry. Said she didn’t do anything wrong. That I was so holier than thou. Maybe she was in a sense right. He was never really mine. But he belonged to me more than her. I never use to think than anyone was jealous of me. Until I realized that she had always been. I was everything she’d never be. I couldn’t be happier about that.
My parents were still out of town for a few days. So I was alone. I guess I wasn’t completely alone. I had my thoughts. I had a millions thoughts. I had plenty of people who wanted to keep me company but I didn’t want it. I just wanted to wallow. I wanted to be selfish and dramatic. For twenty years everyone I met in life looked at me like I was a porcelain doll. Like I was this fragile sweet childhood relic. All I ever wanted from anybody was company and truths. No one has ever been able to be as honest with me as I with them. They would always say they didn’t want to hurt me. That the truth would upset me. But look at what the lies made me. I was always the best friend. The girl that everybody liked. I’d take in every person with a wounded bird demeanor and dote and nurture until they were strong enough to think they didn’t need or want me anymore. I tried to be everything to everyone. And I didn’t end up with anything in the end. You can’t change people. So I stopped trying. I decided it was time to change myself. To love myself. To live for myself. And that nobody was going to make me feel like that again.

A Birthday Scramble

Birthdays are in my opinion a very vain event. A party is thrown to celebrate your existence once a year for every year that you allow or perpetuate it. Some people love birthdays and spend their parties amongst the people that love them. You eat cake, people buy you gifts, and everyone in that room is there to see you. That’s how a birthday would go for most everyone but me. I am beyond positive that I am birthday cursed. Hurricanes, fights, family disasters, nearly being struck by lightening, salmonella poisoning, finding out the hotel booked for you and six friends in Winter Park is actually in the ghetto and only has one bed, being harassed by the homeless, and that time my mom thought it was a good and interactive idea to let everyone open my gifts for me as I watched teary eyed; this is just a sample of the awful things that seem to happened to me on my birthday. But each year I forget the troubles of the years past and hopefully counted down the days until August 26 rolled around. My family was going out of town and told me I could throw a birthday party at the house, and that I was to act responsibly. Well I did act responsibly but I may have been the only one. At first everything was going unusually well. So many people showed up and everyone was having an awesome time. All of my friends as different as some groups are were mixing unbelievably well. I along with 90% of the party was completely wasted. People played beer bong in my dinning room and I danced and sang to the Format at the top of my lungs in the living room. PC was invited and did show up but for some reason we hadn’t seen each other much of the night. He was too busy trying to drunkenly grill in the dark. More lighter fluid is NEVER the safe answer. I was too drunk to notice M.E.S.S. shooting PC mean looks all night. If I had noticed I wouldn’t have understood why until much later. Then the night reached it’s wild peak. You know that part of the night where the volume of everyone’s speech is turned to its highest? Where girls are taking body shots off of everyone and making out with each other for attention? I remember opening a door to go downstairs and seeing M.E.S.S. straddling a boy on a chair making out with him in the dark. I was ready to escape. I kept talking to myself. Yelling “what do you all think you’re doing? Do you know who I am? Why are you all being so cheap and gross at my birthday party? No I don’t want to make out with her! ” I went to sit in my parents room with a friend to talk but a few minutes later PC and two girls (one being someone I worked with who formerly proclaimed her hatred for him) stumbled into the room and jumped on the bed acting completely oblivious to mine and my friends presence. Then I did what I do best while drinking. I wandered off into my room to listen to Billy Joel records by myself and wait for someone to notice that I’m missing and come find me. I sat in the room by myself for over and hour and nobody came. So I decided I was over it. I got into my pjs and tried and go to sleep. I couldn’t have cared less at that moment if everyone else in my house spontaneously combusted. The one day a year that I was suppose to matter everyone forgot about me, and I wanted to forget about them. I didn’t get to sleep because the volume got turned up again, and this time they were yelling about PC. I got out of bed to see what was going on. I was stopped in the hallway and told not to go into my parents room. Of course this warning prompted me to swing the door open to find PC and my work friend making out in my parents bed. “Fucking Great.” I stormed off to my room to find a normally prudent and reserved friend making out with some boy that M.E.S.S. had invited. I decided to confront PC about what I had just seen, but when I went to open the door again found that it had been locked. So I did what any rational demure drunk girl would do…I banged on the door and swore and screamed and demanded that “you son of a bitch, worthless two faced fuck of a man better open the goddamn door before I go grab a tool kit and unhinge it off it’s frame and kill you! You liar. You. You. You. Why are you always doing this?” Eventually the door opened and I could tell from the look on his face that he was immediate tuning me out. I told him to get out. I told him to never look at me again. To never speak to me again. I told him he was nothing and that I had used all the strength I had to help him but I had nothing left. And then I walked away. I walked out of my house to sit by myself in my car. On the way out I told a group of boys to make sure that PC didn’t drive himself home. That he could walk, crawl, catch a ride with a stranger for all I cared, but to not let him drive drunk. I didn’t need him wrapping his car around a telephone pole. I don’t know how long I sat in my car for. My concept of time was very off and I was unnecessarily intoxicated. I had been walking around all evening finishing random drinks that people left out. (I know this entire story is told in several confusing and choppy stages, but in my defense it happened over a year ago while I was drunk.) M.E.S.S. came to the window of my car and told me she was going to beat up the girl PC had kissed. She said “How could she do that to you on your birthday? That slut. That traitor. I never liked her but you said give the girl a chance. And see what she did. She knew how much you cared about him.” My mind couldn’t process any of this. I told M.E.S.S. to leave the girl alone and that we’d deal with it later. And that she shouldn’t dare to hit her. That none of this was worth the threats or the tears. Eventually I was coerced back inside, all the time thinking PC was gone. I sat on the floor of my bedroom until there was a knock at my door. It was him. He said he wanted to speak to me in private. So I followed him into my parents room and he locked the door behind us.